Getting Ready to Go Anywhere: Before and After Kids

The other day, my mom and I decided to have a shopping trip.  Usually when we do these it means taking the forty five minute drive out to the Wolfchase area where there is a mall and lots of shopping possibilities.  Our interests lie in wherever we can get scrapbooking supplies: Archivers, Hobby Lobby, and sometimes Michael's Arts and Crafts.

Now, before my two wonderful sons came along and we'd plan these outings, I could sleep until about an hour before we got ready to go.  I would get up, stretch, look out the window and think, 'oh, what a lovely day for shopping!' Then I'd go take a nice, peaceful shower, wash my hair, enjoy the hot water.  I'd dry and fix my hair, which usually didn't take me that long, riffle through my closet to find the just right shopping outfit for the day, and decide on a pair of shoes.  After that I'd enjoy a bowl of cereal, brush my teeth and still have a few minutes to sit down and read or watch tv before my mom arrived and we could leave.  We'd spend the day lazily browsing through the stores, taking our time to see everything and whether or not we really needed it.  It was nice, enjoyable, peaceful.

Then I had kids.

Now I'm up every morning between 5:30-6am whether it's a shopping day, a week day, a weekend, doesn't matter.  Forget looking out the window to see what kind of day it is out there.  I'm too busy trying to start the day.  First I have to try to get the oldest one to eat.  That conversation usually goes like this:
     Me- "What do you want for breakfast?"
     Connor- "I'm not hungry."
     Me- "You have to eat something, what do you want?"
     Connor- "Cereal,"
     Me-"Fruit Loops or Corn Pops?"
     Connor-"Fruit Loops."
     I get out the Fruit Loops and almost get them in the bowl
     "No, Corn Pops!"
     Me-"Are you sure? Corn Pops, not Fruit Loops?"
     Connor- "Yeah, Fruit Loops."

So I pour the Fruit Loops. While he's munching on those, spilling milk on top of the dog because the dog is waiting for the fruit loops to hit the floor, I'm getting the littlest one a bottle.  Which by now he's screaming of starvation because he didn't get his bottle first.  By the time I get sit down and the bottle in the baby's mouth, Connor's 'done' with his cereal, (by done I mean he's ate maybe half the bowl.  Although there are those few glorious morning when he eats it all and drinks the milk from the bowl)  Then he starts, "I want to play game! Can I play Wii? Can I play Sega? Huh? Come on, please."  I agree because it gets him out of my hair for the moment.

The baby gets done with his bottle and I set him down in the floor to play, but this is the morning he doesn't want to be set down in the floor, he wants to be held.  So as soon as his little hiney touches carpet he starts bawling.  I figure while Connor's busy with the video games it'll be a good time to take a quick shower.  So I tell Connor to just stay where he is and play his games.  I take Kenny into the bathroom with me and shut the door.  So the whole time I'm in the shower, going as fast as I can, Kenny's crying because he can't see me.  Then I hear the door open.  Crap.  I forgot to lock the bathroom door.  Connor comes in and informs me that he has to poop. Of course he does.  Ok, we have two bathrooms in our home, (He's in mine pooping while I'm in the shower.) In our bathroom the toilet is in this little closet like area with a door so you can close off the rest of the bathroom.  So while he's in the toilet-closet, I finish rinsing all the soap off me, jump out, grab my towel and wrap it around me.  I get him wiped and out and try to focus on getting myself ready.  Kenny's still in the floor crying.

I open my closet, grab the first pair of pants and shirt my hand falls on and jump in them.  My hair's still wet, but I'm starving at this point and need a quick bite.  I finally pick Kenny up and we go to the kitchen and fix myself a bowl of fruit loops.  I inhale these, because most of my time is gone and it won't be long before my mom will be here ready to go.  When I get done I go back to bathroom and brush both mine and Connor's teeth.  Then I realize the kids aren't dressed yet, they're in diapers and pull-ups.

So I'm in their room now, my hair is still wet, and I'm trying to get them some clothes out.  Kenny is easy to pick out clothes for since he's nine months and the only word he's got down pat is Da-Da.  Getting the clothes on him is a different story.  First he needs a fresh diaper.  I lay him down, pull off the wet diaper and away he goes! He twists like an alligator, escapes my hold and is crawling away in nothing but his birthday suit!  I grab one leg as he giggles and pull him back.  I roll him back over, try to hold him down and get the diaper on him.  You know, if evolution was true and man did evolve from monkeys, then mothers would have evolved to have more than two arms and hands.  Because you cannot put a diaper on a nine month old with only two hands.  Sometimes knees have to be involved.  Ok, so ten minutes and one wrestling match later, he's dressed in everything but his shoes.

I wipe the sweat of my forehead and turn to the oldest, who has watched all this with his brother in mocking amusement.  I pull out a pair of jeans and hand them to him.  It's wonderful when they can put on their own pants.  But then we start on shirts.  "I don't want to wear that one" is heard four or five times before we finally hit on a shirt he likes.  I get him dressed in everything but his shoes and then go back to my hair, which is almost dry by now.

I run my straightener through it.  (Now I know why they say don't use a straightener on wet hair: For one, it sizzles and hot water droplets will burn your neck.  For another, it just doesn't straighten.) I get it halfway decent, at least it's all laying in one direction and think "Yay! I'm ready."

Oh wait, the diaper bag.  I get the bag and transfer the few things from my purse I need into the bag and then think through my process.  I think of Kenny first, what does he need: Diapers, wet wipes, bottle, formula, snacks, extra clothes. I have to stop with the bag and go see why Kenny's crying and Connor's telling me "don't worry, he's okay!" That's never good.  Once I get Kenny calmed down and the toy golf club away from Connor, I got back to the bag.  What does Connor need (besides a spanking): Pull ups, extra clothes.  I get all these things packed down into the bag, which now weighs more than the baby and set it by the door.

I hear my mom pulling in.  I feel accomplished that we're ready on time!  Then I notice they don't have their shoes on yet.  But it's too late to get them on before Mimi comes through the door.  Darn it.  Almost all the way ready.  Oh well.  I run my fingers through my hair.  It's still wet in spots.

And that's just getting ready to go.  I will tell you what it's like actually shopping with these kids some day.  Sometimes it's just not worth a shopping day unless you can find a babysitter.